Maybe I am paranoid? I dont really care. I try to ignore the stares, and all the whispers. But lately it has been getting worse...this is way my mom took me out of school art a young age. She was worried I would turn out like her. Even though for SO long I havent really been near a lot of people, I am now. I like being surrounded by people I know...even if some hurt me, I still want them around. I know a few talk about me, and not in a good way.
Yes I am 18, and yes I know who I am. I'm not someone who tries to follow the crowd. I dress however I want, I act how a like, and I dont care what other people say about me...just my friends...I worry what they will say/think. If your someone random I couldnt care less if you think Kay is hotter them me (deviant art, and SHE IS <3!!!) I dont care if my outfit looks wannabe-ish/slutty to you. I know its not. But if anyone of my friends think that, its hurts. If you think I am mean its hurts. The two things that are really important to me is James (1st) and then my friends (2nd) Kay, Rae, JJ, Sara, Liz, Mike, and Heather. They are soo important!!!! (I am not including anyone that WAS my friend, but kept hurting me.)
What brought this on, is stress. Simple. Plus a fight I had with someone about a month ago. I finally stopped talking to her, and I was getting over what had happened. (long story, you dont need to know) when she texts me out of the blue. I had been thinking about her, for she kept popping into my head a lot. In the end I told I forgive her, just I will never watch any of her videos, or read anything she posts online expect her Twitter. Which I am thinking about changing that as well...I dont want to get to close, because I will be hurt by her again and again. She doesnt act all that nice to me. I understand she has had problems with people before. but so have I. Everyone is different and so I have moved on, she hasnt.
I think its the Holidays that have been infecting me :( My family is tore apart, Me and James dont have our own place or car so our life is planned AROUND others plans. Its all so frustrating!!!!
Also at work everyone acts weird around me. James can easily talk to them and kid. Its a little harder for me. I still have some of those walls up. Im trying to brake them down, but I know if I do, I will get hurt. Maybe not at first, but I will.
I know noone will read these, fine by me. I really use this to get things outta my head and writing them down helps me think better. I post them so my friends that I love can read them and see whats going on, but no one seems to have the time anymore...I dont know why I even try anymore...
Ari.
